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Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML

by Insensitive / 04/15/2009 at 12:17pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

by chocofreak / 05/10/2009 at 6:23am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

by BillLumberg / 02/03/2009 at 1:42am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

by hawaiiansokkrboi / 04/19/2009 at 1:40am / United States (Hawaii) / Love

Today, I decided I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

by nobleach / 07/02/2009 at 10:05am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finished my internship working in a government lab. I got paid $4000 for the summer. I was talking to my cousin, who said that when he worked as a carnie last summer he made $8000. I get paid half as much for doing research as a carnie does for serving people sno-cones. FML

by arghhh / 08/02/2009 at 10:40pm / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2009 at 7:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

by UnemployedGrad / 09/25/2009 at 12:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

by peacexout108 / 11/08/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

by bels12 / 01/05/2010 at 12:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

by Chris / 01/11/2010 at 8:43am / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

by depr3ssed / 01/31/2010 at 12:42pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

by gordy1220 / 02/13/2010 at 1:39pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Holidays