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Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. The first thing he did was hand me a paper containing listed rules he expects me to follow. When I asked if it was a joke, he promptly pointed to number 7 on the list, "Cleanliness is not a joke". FML

by mukduk / 03/16/2015 at 8:26am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, an old man walked up to me, said, "Hey missy, you wanna see an antique?" and winked. FML

by noantiquesforme / 03/30/2015 at 2:39pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2015 at 8:28am / United Kingdom (Dundee City) / Work

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

by anonymous / 08/06/2015 at 4:33am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I realised that my boyfriend gets a boner every time I cry. FML

Today, I fed my 4ft python a live rat for the first time. He now has a new friend he won't let me near. FML

by clutzirella / 08/07/2015 at 2:32am / United States (Florida) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML

by Insensitive / 04/15/2009 at 12:17pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

by xnickx / 04/16/2009 at 10:47am / United States (Nebraska) / Love

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

by Sarah / 05/07/2009 at 12:53am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

by chocofreak / 05/10/2009 at 6:23am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

by hawaiiansokkrboi / 04/19/2009 at 1:40am / United States (Hawaii) / Love

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

by babyboomerang / 05/12/2009 at 7:16am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I decided I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

by nobleach / 07/02/2009 at 10:05am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous