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Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

by ladyhead / 12/18/2008 at 11:30am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull) / Work

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

by horny bastard / 01/16/2009 at 3:34am / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML

by calikola / 01/28/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding in a 25 MPH zone. As the cop was walking towards my car, I flicked my cig-bud out of my window. So, the cop did me the pleasure of writing me two tickets instead of one. FML

by Dani_Rich / 02/16/2009 at 1:52am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

by jessica238 / 04/08/2009 at 1:38am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2009 at 3:37pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML

by Tori / 02/05/2009 at 10:24am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my mum and I were walking down a road where we met an old neighbour who recently got divorced. Her son who we hadn't seen for about 10 years was with her and he looked very handsome. I said, "oh wow ! your son has grown up so much !" The woman replied, "this is my boyfriend." FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2009 at 10:09am / Hong Kong / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2009 at 2:27am / Ghana (Volta) / Health

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

by Tee / 11/09/2009 at 9:20pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at work, when this guy came in and paid for his ice cream, then handed me a dollar. I've never gotten a tip before, so I looked at him and said, "Thank you so much, I appreciate it." He stared at me with a weird look for a moment, and then said, "Can I just get that in quarters?" FML

by notip / 11/15/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

by number2 / 12/15/2009 at 3:50am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

by OhGodKillMeNow / 12/26/2009 at 6:42am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Holidays