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Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

#21222673
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41458) - you deserved it (4386)

On 07/28/2014 at 12:36am - misc - by blow away - United States (New Jersey)

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

#21307273
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30833) - you deserved it (3180)

On 11/28/2014 at 12:25am - misc - by mainlineloser (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to bend my iPhone 6 like there's no tomorrow. FML

#21268378
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42021) - you deserved it (14016)

On 09/30/2014 at 2:48pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my younger sister ran into my room, telling me someone was trying to break in. We were home alone, so she went to hide as I took a crowbar and followed the intruder. Just as I was about to swing, he turned around: it was my dad. I had to explain to my sister that burglars don't have keys. FML

#21251987
61 comments

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

#21266077
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36485) - you deserved it (3348)

On 09/26/2014 at 10:46pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

#21231087
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35527) - you deserved it (6227)

On 08/06/2014 at 5:14pm - misc - by poolfail -

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

#21389096
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32404) - you deserved it (2324)

On 04/07/2015 at 3:14am - animals - by cat.imakittycat. (woman) - New Zealand (Taranaki)

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

#21448216
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31398) - you deserved it (2660)

On 07/27/2015 at 8:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

#21443899
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28017) - you deserved it (2089)

On 07/19/2015 at 5:02am - misc - by wtf did he do - United States (Alaska)

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

#21456323
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25247) - you deserved it (1830)

On 08/15/2015 at 11:47am - work - by bruised - United States (Florida)

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

#493
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24207) - you deserved it (7225)

On 12/11/2008 at 7:21am - kids - by fataldisease - Sent from mobile version

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

#699
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9415) - you deserved it (25151)

On 01/04/2009 at 5:15am - misc - by LadyJane - Sent from mobile version

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

#120192
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8545) - you deserved it (54023)

On 02/24/2009 at 12:22am - misc - by Timeless (woman) - Canada (New Brunswick)



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