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Sunday 25 September 2016

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Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

by Alyssa / 09/21/2016 at 3:17am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

by Anonymous / 09/19/2016 at 10:03am / United States / Work

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

by tequilashot / 09/20/2016 at 12:40am / Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul) / Love

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

by ANON / 09/21/2016 at 10:09am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

by Battlebarney / 09/22/2016 at 6:58am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

by mischalucksux / 09/19/2016 at 9:54am / United States / Work

Today, I tried to jokingly hold the door shut so my friend, who I'd seen walking down the hall to our class, couldn't get in. It was funny, until my new teacher yelled "Open the damn door!" from the other side. FML

by anonymous / 09/20/2016 at 6:49pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

by Whybother / 09/20/2016 at 4:13am / United States (Hawaii) / Work

Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML

by hk / 09/20/2016 at 11:29am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Love

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

by American Idiot / 09/20/2016 at 3:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, whilst in a dressing room trying on some new clothes, I experienced the sheer terror of having someone fling a pair of dirty panties over the stall wall only to make off with some stolen ones, whilst you're still standing there in shock staring at another woman's dirty underwear. FML

by grossed out / 09/21/2016 at 5:21am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

by Worky Workerton / 09/22/2016 at 1:14pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

by stoolgal / 09/23/2016 at 2:19am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health