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Wednesday 23 July 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife, then looked at me and giggled. FML

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

#21217858
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35284) - you deserved it (11542)

On 07/22/2014 at 11:36pm - misc - by Face fucking palm - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was doing a design sketch for work. I snapped a pic and sent it to my boss. She replied, "Impressive. Nice sketch too." I was drawing at home, naked. My dick was in the picture. FML

Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML

#21219246
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41690) - you deserved it (21443)

On 07/24/2014 at 11:59am - misc - by FML - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

#21223797
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40640) - you deserved it (14523)

On 07/29/2014 at 2:20pm - misc - by fatty magoo - United States (Washington)

Today, I was scrubbing the bloody aftermath of a successful mouse trap off of my stove with an old toothbrush. After a few good scrubs, out of habit I put the toothbrush in my mouth while I turned on the water. FML

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

#21218609
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40164) - you deserved it (4537)

On 07/23/2014 at 7:16pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

#21218479
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52017) - you deserved it (4350)

On 07/23/2014 at 4:44pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had to take a splinter out of my eight year old son's penis. FML

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

#21216576
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40498) - you deserved it (5441)

On 07/21/2014 at 6:49pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

#21219985
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19663) - you deserved it (51077)

On 07/25/2014 at 2:05am - animals - by fuckendog (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend, because he's too manipulative. By the time our chat ended, instead of being single, I'm somehow now committed to going on vacation with him and his family. FML

#21216217
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46352) - you deserved it (14711)

On 07/21/2014 at 11:58am - love - by whatjusthappened - United States (Oklahoma)



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