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Sunday 9 February 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

#21059471
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50073) - you deserved it (7020)

On 02/13/2014 at 8:31pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

#21059009
293 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34298) - you deserved it (51377)

On 02/13/2014 at 10:47am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

#21053213
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57840) - you deserved it (20536)

On 02/07/2014 at 9:18am - intimacy - by Unknown - United States (Iowa)

Today, I was grading work my students had done with a sub. I realized one student had gotten hold of the teachers' edition of the textbook when I read ten papers in a row that had "Student answers may vary" as the answer to problem number four. My students can't even cheat properly. FML

#21061154
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54891) - you deserved it (5393)

On 02/15/2014 at 2:11am - work - by chinaski7628 - United States (California)

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

#21054451
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53986) - you deserved it (10696)

On 02/08/2014 at 1:49pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

#21058991
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50693) - you deserved it (18431)

On 02/13/2014 at 10:20am - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

#21050194
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57880) - you deserved it (7060)

On 02/04/2014 at 9:50am - kids - by LadyDeadpool88 (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

#21061692
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57856) - you deserved it (8503)

On 02/15/2014 at 5:44pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, after years of counseling and therapy for my anger issues, I snapped. Two words: Flappy Bird. FML

#21051812
198 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47014) - you deserved it (14268)

On 02/05/2014 at 10:39pm - misc - by tigerisabelle (woman) -

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

#21051355
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44721) - you deserved it (23319)

On 02/05/2014 at 2:52pm - kids - by Evolution mama (woman) - Iceland (Gullbringusysla)

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

#21055858
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48857) - you deserved it (15847) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 02/09/2014 at 10:39pm - intimacy - by vegas-81 - France

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

#21060563
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59115) - you deserved it (5626)

On 02/14/2014 at 5:41pm - intimacy - by accident (man) - United States (California)

Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML

#21049393
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44526) - you deserved it (8955)

On 02/03/2014 at 3:11pm - love - by Can't Believe It. - United States (Pennsylvania)



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