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Monday 6 January 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

#21022635
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47086) - you deserved it (4193)

On 01/09/2014 at 4:48pm - intimacy - by ReallyMom - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

#21025526
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44061) - you deserved it (2952)

On 01/12/2014 at 12:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML

#21019231
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54287) - you deserved it (6698)

On 01/06/2014 at 4:32pm - misc - by innocent - Australia

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

#21019101
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41355) - you deserved it (8493)

On 01/06/2014 at 2:20pm - love - by CatLady - United States (California)

Today, I had to explain to one of my high school students that the importance of Pearl Harbor was not, in fact, because the Japanese stole the US pearl supply. FML

#21020544
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40255) - you deserved it (3473)

On 01/07/2014 at 7:00pm - work - by tpj24 - United States (Iowa)

Today, I found out that whenever my ex-wife is late getting the kids to school, she tells them to tell their teachers they were with me, and forges my name on the sign-in sheet. Missing homework? Dad's house. Forgot to bring something important? Ditto. The school thinks I'm a horrible parent. FML

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

#21022393
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39224) - you deserved it (4557)

On 01/09/2014 at 11:01am - love - by BornToBeABurden (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

#21022453
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53492) - you deserved it (6488)

On 01/09/2014 at 12:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

#21024621
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48526) - you deserved it (3385)

On 01/11/2014 at 3:26pm - misc - by left out - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

#21024776
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36057) - you deserved it (7668)

On 01/11/2014 at 6:13pm - misc - by -_-" (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

#21019530
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37627) - you deserved it (7173)

On 01/06/2014 at 9:25pm - kids - by peepeepainter - United States (Georgia)

Today, a guy I like asked me to a dance. Trying to act modest and at the same time compliment him, I told him, "You could do so much better, though." After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You're right, I could. Never mind," and walked away. FML

#21020576
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26526) - you deserved it (52171)

On 01/07/2014 at 7:39pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries out when I remove it. I can't win. FML

#21021435
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41058) - you deserved it (5373)

On 01/08/2014 at 3:27pm - animals - by bird - United States (Michigan)



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