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Tuesday 3 December 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my husband learned that if he asks me a question while I am dead asleep my answer will most likely be "Yes". Incidentally, I now have a new cat. FML

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

#20987856
207 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53501) - you deserved it (10282)

On 12/10/2013 at 4:06pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

#20980679
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39148) - you deserved it (13389)

On 12/04/2013 at 5:29pm - kids - by Awkward - United States (Washington)

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

#20984257
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48692) - you deserved it (4554)

On 12/07/2013 at 8:07pm - misc - by bella - United States (Texas)

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

#20986172
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54050) - you deserved it (3583)

On 12/09/2013 at 10:10am - misc - by anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought a onesie. He sleeps in it, goes out in it and won't take it off, not even for sex. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

#20983816
271 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48845) - you deserved it (5697)

On 12/07/2013 at 12:29pm - kids - by john doe (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

#20978799
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49948) - you deserved it (5780)

On 12/02/2013 at 10:42pm - love - by rock'n roller (man) -

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

#20981341
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46498) - you deserved it (7486) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 12/05/2013 at 1:52am - animals - by Chatons - Switzerland

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

#20981890
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40906) - you deserved it (22758)

On 12/05/2013 at 5:26pm - misc - by possibly a sweater (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I had a dream that I was playing fetch with my dog. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to the sound of my phone smashing against the wall. FML

Today, I dyed my hair. And my forehead. And my ears. And my arms. And my hands. FML

Today, while trying to break up with my girlfriend, I somehow ended up begging her not to break up with me. I'm still not sure how that happened. FML

#20988052
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39658) - you deserved it (20024)

On 12/10/2013 at 6:38pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Bangladesh



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