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Tuesday 12 November 2013

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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

by flavored / 11/18/2013 at 10:26am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first time. I heard her mutter under her breath, "I could kill you so easily..." FML

by emirie / 11/14/2013 at 4:33pm / Russian Federation (Saint Petersburg City) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2013 at 10:42pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

by :( / 11/17/2013 at 3:27pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, one of the special needs teens I work with confessed his love for me. It was cute until he put his erection on my leg and attempted to hump me. FML

by BioChickthcfy / 11/13/2013 at 5:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

by failed brood mare / 11/17/2013 at 12:46pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

by mummer11 / 11/15/2013 at 12:49pm / Ireland / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

by you+me-clothes=53>< / 11/19/2013 at 12:13pm / Austria (Wien) / Intimacy

Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML

by Alice99 / 11/12/2013 at 12:39pm / United States (Washington) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

by CanWeAllGetOne / 11/13/2013 at 1:40am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

by oops999 / 11/19/2013 at 2:46pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2013 at 10:55am / United States / Love

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

by Colby / 11/15/2013 at 11:59am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous