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Thursday 24 October 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

#20933730
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53354) - you deserved it (9128)

On 10/25/2013 at 6:08pm - intimacy - by Dick the Greater (man) -

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

#20938804
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40725) - you deserved it (4520)

On 10/30/2013 at 3:03am - animals - by meow (woman) - United States

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

#20936013
250 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65013) - you deserved it (8590)

On 10/27/2013 at 7:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

#20936339
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45247) - you deserved it (3140)

On 10/28/2013 at 12:51am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

#20933266
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43754) - you deserved it (19661)

On 10/25/2013 at 7:54am - love - by what did I do? - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

#20935542
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56109) - you deserved it (5354)

On 10/27/2013 at 11:26am - intimacy - by SharkWeek (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

#20937007
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45444) - you deserved it (3033)

On 10/28/2013 at 5:53pm - misc - by Greg (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML

#20930198
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40036) - you deserved it (11919)

On 10/22/2013 at 12:47pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

#20937069
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38484) - you deserved it (3862)

On 10/28/2013 at 6:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

#20939123
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46448) - you deserved it (7949)

On 10/30/2013 at 2:28pm - intimacy - by goodgrief (man) - United States (California)

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

#20939700
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46839) - you deserved it (5325)

On 10/30/2013 at 10:59pm - misc - by Rinelric1998 (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

#20928390
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41300) - you deserved it (5068)

On 10/21/2013 at 12:18am - kids - by Wheredigowrong - United States (Iowa)



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