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Tuesday 3 September 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

#20868509
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39863) - you deserved it (2963)

On 09/05/2013 at 3:45am - misc - by down trodden (man) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML

#20864782
526 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18773) - you deserved it (134039)

On 09/02/2013 at 4:37pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

#20867417
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50203) - you deserved it (2598)

On 09/04/2013 at 11:59am - work - by resurrected - United Kingdom (West Sussex)

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

#20865687
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51313) - you deserved it (11129)

On 09/03/2013 at 2:31am - misc - by fml (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. -Mom and Dad." FML

#20874309
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57821) - you deserved it (24034)

On 09/09/2013 at 11:15am - intimacy - by anon (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

#20870528
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53002) - you deserved it (19229)

On 09/06/2013 at 6:56pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

#20867818
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45809) - you deserved it (3121)

On 09/04/2013 at 6:46pm - work - by dear god help me. - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

#20867249
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34384) - you deserved it (10856)

On 09/04/2013 at 7:18am - misc - by interphaseprophasemetaphase (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

#20875776
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47602) - you deserved it (4085)

On 09/10/2013 at 2:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

#20865525
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42461) - you deserved it (4707)

On 09/03/2013 at 12:13am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

#20865755
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40898) - you deserved it (6701)

On 09/03/2013 at 4:17am - health - by NoNotCats =^._.^= (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

#20872880
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49653) - you deserved it (3179)

On 09/08/2013 at 12:38pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - Switzerland (Bern)



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