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Tuesday 27 August 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

#20859482
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63453) - you deserved it (7017)

On 08/29/2013 at 8:48pm - love - by Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

#20866525
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24358) - you deserved it (38461)

On 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm - health - by ugh - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

#20857818
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53020) - you deserved it (9839)

On 08/28/2013 at 12:11pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

#20862202
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44530) - you deserved it (3969)

On 08/31/2013 at 7:48pm - kids - by embarrassedmom - United States

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

#20865686
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60165) - you deserved it (4290)

On 09/03/2013 at 2:30am - intimacy - by poolgirl789 (woman) - United Kingdom (Bradford)

Today, a shopper asked me where my nipples were. Seeing as I work in Babies'R'Us, this is a common question. I brought her over to the nursing equipment aisle where she then grabbed my nipples, gave them a twist, and walked away. I need a new job. FML

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

#20863583
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48306) - you deserved it (2634)

On 09/01/2013 at 7:55pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

#20860349
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38997) - you deserved it (13179)

On 08/30/2013 at 1:24pm - kids - by thanks, dad... (woman) - Romania (Maramures)

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

#20857902
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66916) - you deserved it (4028)

On 08/28/2013 at 1:47pm - love - by still together (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

#20863117
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49572) - you deserved it (6310)

On 09/01/2013 at 12:34pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

#20854994
238 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54022) - you deserved it (14121)

On 08/26/2013 at 11:16am - love - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

#20858539
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51068) - you deserved it (2733)

On 08/28/2013 at 10:21pm - love - by marryinghimanyway (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

#20857270
204 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56280) - you deserved it (7317)

On 08/27/2013 at 11:21pm - work - by nowork - United States (New York)



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