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Wednesday 14 August 2013

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Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

by insensitive prick / 08/19/2013 at 3:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

by WatchOut / 08/16/2013 at 12:04pm / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

by ShitStirringSon / 08/14/2013 at 10:02pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

by WartCream / 08/17/2013 at 8:27pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

by HoratioNo / 08/14/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2013 at 3:04pm / New Zealand (Otago) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2013 at 1:18pm / United States / Health

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

by notmansbestfriend / 08/12/2013 at 12:09pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML

by cookiemonster / 08/13/2013 at 12:10pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

by LizzyJones / 08/20/2013 at 1:38pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Love

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

by martyn28 / 08/13/2013 at 10:55am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

by amayasoma / 08/12/2013 at 2:54pm / United States (Louisiana) / Transportation

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

by verydepressed / 08/21/2013 at 3:18am / Russian Federation (Tomsk) / Miscellaneous