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Tuesday 16 July 2013

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Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML

by Kat_Styles / 07/19/2013 at 4:51am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

by Dirty_Mind_69 / 07/20/2013 at 4:35am / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, I went to the Giants game. During the seventh inning stretch they showed me on the jumbo-tron. It was just in time for the entire stadium to see me pull a tampon out of my purse. FML

by GiantsFan13 / 07/23/2013 at 10:49am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 3:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML

by cheated / 07/19/2013 at 1:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 3:08pm / Trinidad and Tobago (Port-of-Spain) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2013 at 4:27pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, I got a call from the police. Apparently my son tried robbing a teenage couple, but wound up getting his ass beat by both of them. I don't know what's worse, that my 32-year-old son is a criminal, or that he got it handed to him by 15-year-olds. FML

by Parentalfailure / 07/22/2013 at 5:06pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I asked this really cute girl for her number. I had nothing else on me so I told her to write it on a dollar bill. Later, without thinking, I put it in a vending machine. I freaked out and frantically pushed the return button. It gave me back quarters. FML

by gavinbanks / 07/21/2013 at 6:55pm / United States (Oregon) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

by TNDriver / 07/16/2013 at 9:12am / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, after more than six years of working my ass off, I finally summoned the courage to ask my boss for a raise. She just chuckled, "I'm gonna need you to eat a dick, John." and stared at me unblinking until I awkwardly left. FML

by no new apartment for me / 07/18/2013 at 3:53pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

by Nick / 07/20/2013 at 3:37pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

by ... cheers / 07/16/2013 at 4:32pm / United Kingdom (Renfrewshire) / Love