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Wednesday 19 June 2013

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Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

by pumboc / 06/24/2013 at 1:38am / Australia (Victoria) / Money

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

by SillyScotsman / 06/24/2013 at 2:49pm / United Kingdom (South Lanarkshire) / Health

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

by sicksicksick / 06/19/2013 at 1:23pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

by kittyfiddlernono / 06/23/2013 at 3:39pm / Bulgaria (Pernik) / Love

Today, whilst waiting tables at work, I served a young couple the milkshakes they had ordered. The woman at the next table verbally abused me for "teasing" her screaming sons with "unhealthy foods". FML

by Anonymous / 06/25/2013 at 1:24am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2013 at 10:00am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

by cherbear1000 / 06/17/2013 at 12:33am / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2013 at 1:01am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 10:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

by Idontbelieveinmagic / 06/17/2013 at 1:42am / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

by theunluckylifeofme / 06/26/2013 at 4:33pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I started my new job as a cashier for a drugstore. As I scanned some children's medicine for a family, I gave the girl a tissue because her nose was running. Later, my boss sat me down and told me there had been a complaint about a "female pedo-employee". I'm the only woman working there. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2013 at 8:27pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to borrow my laundry room key. He was bare-ass naked. When I refused to open the door, he tried to break it down. I had to call the police before he would leave. FML

by kriseliz / 06/24/2013 at 12:09am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.