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Wednesday 12 June 2013

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Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

by explanations / 06/14/2013 at 2:48am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML

by young grandpa / 06/17/2013 at 6:49pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend was extremely nervous to meet my parents but I made him do it anyway. One of the first things out of his mouth was, "I'm glad you had sex." When they gave him a look of shock, he added, "You know, when you made your daughter! She's awesome!" FML

by lsababy / 06/11/2013 at 2:46pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2013 at 12:01pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

by hinting / 06/17/2013 at 12:43pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2013 at 2:39pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

by imarriedanaxemurderer / 06/18/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2013 at 8:30pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Love

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2013 at 4:07pm / United States / Holidays

Today, I was planning on having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, so I asked my roomate to stay out of our apartment. About half-way through, my roomate blared "The Eye of the Tiger" from the other side of the door. My girlfriend laughed so hard that we couldn't finish. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2013 at 12:16pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 12:12pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

by bestiality, not even once / 06/14/2013 at 6:29pm / Ireland (Waterford) / Intimacy

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

by Jill / 06/15/2013 at 12:19am / United States (California) / Kids