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Saturday 11 May 2013

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Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML

by 19kwhatever / 05/08/2013 at 9:22pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

by joolsie / 05/15/2013 at 7:45pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I received a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

by JACKxRAWR / 05/18/2013 at 5:41am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

by perfecttiming / 05/06/2013 at 11:25am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

by look at the fucking universe, lady / 05/18/2013 at 2:44pm / United States (Alabama) / Geek

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2013 at 11:27pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

by hopelesscollegechick / 05/07/2013 at 2:14pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

by Sarsippius / 05/18/2013 at 1:22am / Love

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

by anonymous / 05/08/2013 at 8:07pm / United States (Wyoming) / Money

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

by Redfaced / 05/15/2013 at 12:54pm / United Kingdom (Walsall) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend found a letter I'd written to myself for moral support while we were broken up, in which I explained why we would never work out. Apparently I made a convincing argument. FML

by Alone / 05/06/2013 at 10:24am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

by trice / 05/08/2013 at 1:48pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives four hours away from me. I'd only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML

by earplugsplease / 05/16/2013 at 12:16pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous