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Monday 21 January 2013

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Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

by What? / 01/22/2013 at 2:00pm / Australia / Animals

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

by deflower / 01/22/2013 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

by Ear Invasion / 01/26/2013 at 12:53am / United States (New Mexico) / Animals

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

by mariama / 01/23/2013 at 12:45pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

by FUCK THE PIGS / 01/26/2013 at 3:44pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2013 at 8:33pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2013 at 1:00pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower and his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. Concerned as his nan is in ICU, I picked it up to find he's been secretly sexting his ex-girlfriend. FML

by heartbroken / 01/23/2013 at 8:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

by j_Lauren / 01/27/2013 at 11:48pm / United States / Holidays

Today, I had lunch with an attractive foreign exchange student from Dresden. After bombarding her with questions about Russia, she smiled and kindly told me that Dresden is in Germany. Everyone laughed. FML

by Kasey103 / 01/22/2013 at 6:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML

by Stickysituation / 01/23/2013 at 1:44pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

by go snope yourself / 01/26/2013 at 4:51pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2013 at 2:17am / Canada (Manitoba) / Transportation