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May 2016

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Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 3:38pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

by ShandiPandiDerp / 05/20/2016 at 8:12am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

by xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo / 05/21/2016 at 8:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

by longest minute / 05/25/2016 at 7:28am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

by aianmoo16 / 05/01/2016 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

by why / 05/02/2016 at 4:08pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud wheezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML

by just-a-fat-cat / 05/02/2016 at 11:25pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals

Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML

by Broke Bitch / 05/05/2016 at 5:48pm / United States (Alabama) / Money

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

by ImilkedYourMom / 05/03/2016 at 9:31am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

by ChaosFerret / 05/03/2016 at 4:53pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

by Incompetent / 05/02/2016 at 8:27am / Pakistan (Punjab) / Work

Today, I found out that if I take back my expensive headphones that my daughter constantly borrows, she will play porn on max volume, whether or not I have guests over. FML

Today, I went on a coffee date with a man I met online. His "friend" had tagged along. We were having a good conversation, until the friend pulls out his laptop and says, "So let me tell you a little bit about our travel business," and talked about a pyramid scheme for an hour. FML

by Maddi / 05/03/2016 at 10:55pm / United States (Texas) / Love