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September 2016

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Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

by adults acting like children / 09/17/2016 at 4:31pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

by ang3l4 / 09/21/2016 at 1:28am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I screamed at a taxi driver to not run over a hedgehog. He got a fright and ended up pulling over. I hopped out and ran to the middle of the road to pick up the hedgehog and leave him on the grass by the path. As I got closer and went to pick up said hedgehog, I realised it was a pinecone. FML

by simpleasjam / 09/19/2016 at 10:27am / United Kingdom (Sutton) / Animals

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

by ilovepancakes / 09/19/2016 at 8:29pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

by swee t / 09/21/2016 at 3:02pm / United States (North Carolina) / Money

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

by b.fritz / 09/24/2016 at 6:02am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

by SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes / 09/02/2016 at 12:06am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

by StupidJob / 09/01/2016 at 7:23pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

by KittyKat168 / 09/09/2016 at 5:34am / Germany / Miscellaneous

Today, I was babysitting my 6-year-old brother and was playing Mario. When I won, he called me a cunt. I was in shock and asked him where he learnt the word. He said from me when I was driving. He then told my mum that I taught him a new word. Easy to say, I'm in big trouble. FML

by bigbro / 09/06/2016 at 4:05am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML

by mermaidkeels / 09/08/2016 at 12:54am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

by Clumsy / 09/08/2016 at 8:06am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I was babysitting two brothers, 3 and 5. As I was getting the youngest ready to go outside, the older boy, threw open the door, shucked his clothing, and ran off into the woods. I had to carry the 3-year-old as I ran my asthmatic ass after him. FML

by K_nightlight / 09/14/2016 at 8:20pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.