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May 2016

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Today, I went on a date with my long time crush of three years. Everything was going great, until I found out he supports Donald Trump. FML

by anon / 05/10/2016 at 9:30pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML

by korbo7 / 05/16/2016 at 11:26pm / United States (Nebraska) / Work

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

by proud parent / 05/21/2016 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2016 at 2:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

by anonymous / 05/01/2016 at 1:59pm / United States / Work

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

by Pee.H.D / 05/02/2016 at 1:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was called in to work on my day off to cover for a co-worker because she was busy getting it on with my brother. FML

by Mrmz07 / 05/01/2016 at 5:32am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

by Annoyed / 05/10/2016 at 9:23pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I realized that even though I'm marrying my fiancée in 2 weeks, I don't even love her any more. The only reason I'm doing it is because I don't want to upset her or her family, because they think I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. FML

by DoomsDay / 05/06/2016 at 10:23am / Love

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

by Erbtosis / 05/12/2016 at 10:40pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

by jameen / 05/07/2016 at 7:48am / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Intimacy