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May 2015

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my window broke and will not close. My room is in a wooded area. I've already chased out two squirrels and a bird and it's only been an hour. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up like Snow White with all sorts of wildlife sleeping with me. FML

Today, I clogged the toilet in the one-man bathroom at the corner store, with a line of about 5 people waiting outside. FML

Today, I went to a domestic violence counseling group. I was the only male there, and I explained that my girlfriend punches me in the face in front of my kids. Everyone started laughing. FML

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

#21403387
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29024) - you deserved it (1981)

On 05/02/2015 at 12:54pm - misc - by Eternal Servitude - United States (California)

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

#21404461
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31627) - you deserved it (2342)

On 05/04/2015 at 12:28pm - misc - by to_complicated_4_u - United States (New York)

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

#21408925
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26287) - you deserved it (2151)

On 05/12/2015 at 12:37pm - misc - by a - United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead)

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

#21406233
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31196) - you deserved it (5239)

On 05/07/2015 at 2:00pm - intimacy - by pleasedie - United States (Florida)

Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML

#21406274
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28412) - you deserved it (2495)

On 05/07/2015 at 3:52pm - misc - by Random737193 - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

#21411390
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11079) - you deserved it (38891)

On 05/17/2015 at 9:09am - misc - by PISSED OFF - Australia

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

#21403055
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31624) - you deserved it (2682)

On 05/01/2015 at 6:57pm - misc - by wtf - United States (Indiana)

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

#21405064
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33195) - you deserved it (4465)

On 05/05/2015 at 11:13am - intimacy - by baby_trex_arms - United States (California)

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

#21402857
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24537) - you deserved it (2034)

On 05/01/2015 at 11:25am - misc - by Anonymous -

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

#21408859
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28327) - you deserved it (3797)

On 05/12/2015 at 8:53am - intimacy - by Darryl - Australia (Queensland)



Caleb Taylor's illustrated FML

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FML's blog

  • The Best of the Worst #14
  • We're back! Hooray! It's the month of May and time once again to dig around the FML postbag to see what wonders of the English language we can find. Like a sculptor making a statue out of a block of marble,…

Wednesday 20 May 2015

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