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May 2016

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Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

by seththing / 05/21/2016 at 11:49pm / Transportation

Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML

by sastgamer / 05/21/2016 at 1:46pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was instructing our new third grade students about how our martial arts classes are safer than people think, someone broke their leg right in front of their innocent faces. They saw the bone sticking out. FML

by muaythaiboss / 05/22/2016 at 1:45pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

by welp / 05/22/2016 at 4:22pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

by Trew Love / 05/03/2016 at 2:25am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a camping trip. I already had a bad back, and then the guy in charge took us on a hike. My shoes were too small, and now I'm hobbling around with a bad back and foot. Every time I limp, it hurts my back, but if I walk normally, it hurts my foot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2016 at 1:19pm / United States / Holidays

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2016 at 5:42pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

by MJensen / 05/10/2016 at 5:57pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife cancelled on our date we had planned for over a month. It would have been our first one-on-one date since the birth of our first child. Our child is over 13 months old. FML

by Brandon / 05/08/2016 at 10:56pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

by annoyed / 05/11/2016 at 7:40am / Netherlands (Limburg) / Love

Today, I was helping a customer find some shoes. When I brought her a size, she got a phone call. I motioned to the shoes and mouthed, "Bigger size" so I didn't interrupt her. She yelled, "Give me a fucking minute," and stormed out. About 5 minutes later, I realized she'd stolen the shoes. FML

by Saxicolous / 05/08/2016 at 8:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

by superb12345 / 05/11/2016 at 10:50pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2016 at 4:44pm / United States (California) / Health