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April 2014

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Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

by teddyissmall / 04/14/2014 at 2:29am / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

by Great / 04/08/2014 at 9:42pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

by only my life / 04/22/2014 at 6:21pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML

by BabyButt / 04/09/2014 at 1:50pm / United States (Hawaii) / Love

Today, I was at the sandwich shop I work in. A customer came in and requested an assorted sub. As I finished putting on the sauces, I looked up to see the customer's face set in horror. Apparently I didn't notice that I licked my fingers clean after getting some mayonnaise on them. FML

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2014 at 10:46pm / United States / Animals

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

by Quackadoodledoo / 04/23/2014 at 10:21pm / United Kingdom (Barnet) / Transportation

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2014 at 5:07pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Love

Today, my girlfriend's little brother challenged me to a water gun fight. I accepted, not knowing he was going to fill his gun with vinegar, then shoot me in the eyes with it. FML

by BeatByA9yrold / 04/12/2014 at 3:59pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

by say no to dick / 04/18/2014 at 6:56pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned my girlfriend was cheating on me. After giving her a second chance and meeting her parents for the first time, her father said at the dinner table, "I like the other guy better." FML

by gircos / 04/29/2014 at 8:10pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Love

Today, I had to convince my 3-year-old son that there were monsters in the house just so he would lie in bed and cuddle me. FML

by tinytiny1124 / 04/14/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2014 at 1:58pm / United Kingdom (Wigan) / Love