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April 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML

#21104869
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44535) - you deserved it (3120)

On 04/05/2014 at 12:04am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

#21119041
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52312) - you deserved it (14632)

On 04/21/2014 at 2:42pm - intimacy - by sexual parrot -

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

#21109873
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52481) - you deserved it (5215)

On 04/10/2014 at 10:32pm - intimacy - by freakedout (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

#21107872
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50606) - you deserved it (11440)

On 04/08/2014 at 7:06pm - intimacy - by that girl (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I found out that my three closest online friends are the same person: my obsessive ex. I met all three before he and I even started dating. FML

#21105963
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41151) - you deserved it (5299)

On 04/06/2014 at 2:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

#21116530
253 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26406) - you deserved it (44592)

On 04/18/2014 at 5:31pm - kids - by cantprovenothing (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my great-grandmother uttered the phrase, "Just because I'm gray up here, doesn't mean I'm gray down there!" FML

#21120495
105 comments

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I've been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the east coast who are trying to return their shoes. They want to speak to my supervisor because I "don't sound professional enough." FML

Today, I accidentally walked in on my mom cheating on my step-dad with my real dad. FML

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

#21123743
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40155) - you deserved it (6735)

On 04/26/2014 at 7:29pm - work - by caught out - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

#21126864
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42564) - you deserved it (5557)

On 04/30/2014 at 1:17am - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I had just sat down in the lobby of my doctor's office when my phone alerted me that I had a friend request. I checked; it was from some girl from high school. I muttered to myself, "I don't want to be your friend." I then heard a gasp. She was sitting across from me. FML

Today, my mom brought her sleazy boyfriend home. He took one look at me, swatted my ass, and said, "It runs in the family." My mom just laughed and winked at me, and mouthed, "He's a keeper!" FML

#21103666
198 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58745) - you deserved it (4066)

On 04/03/2014 at 1:22pm - love - by wiona (woman) - United States (Connecticut)



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