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May 2013

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Today, I told my boyfriend of ten months that I'm not ready for marriage. A few hours later he proposed at my grandma's 85th birthday party. She cried when I said no. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2013 at 1:28am / United States (Alaska) / Love

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

by LightsOut / 05/21/2013 at 6:47pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, on my way home on my motorbike from a great party in the early hours of the morning, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Riding over a hill, I yawned in anticipation of climbing into bed. A huge winged bastard insect thing then flew straight into my throat. FML

by Nearly Crashed / 05/27/2013 at 9:42am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

by heyyoitsapotato / 05/30/2013 at 10:35pm / United States / Work

Today, my mom came back from a major surgery. She also had a yeast infection. I had to push the applicator in because she couldn't bend down. This cannot be unfelt. FML

by asausa / 05/04/2013 at 7:26pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

by AussieG75 / 05/07/2013 at 10:18am / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

by Chelsea / 05/18/2013 at 4:57am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation

Today, I realized my favorite pen advertises a vaginal cream. I've been letting people borrow it for months. FML

by MrConcise / 05/01/2013 at 12:28pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that binding my stomach with duct tape isn't worth it to look thin. I also learned the even worse part when I shrieked more loudly than I should've when I tried to discreetly rip it off in history class. FML

by QueenOrangeSoda / 05/01/2013 at 5:33pm / United States (Nevada) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2013 at 3:35pm / United States (Nebraska) / Love

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

by yesguysgetabusedtoo / 05/24/2013 at 7:42pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML

by anonymous / 05/06/2013 at 2:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

by wat_dafuq_bro / 05/06/2013 at 2:06am / Miscellaneous