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May 2013

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Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

by those_allergies / 05/12/2013 at 1:20am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2013 at 12:39am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was leaving my doctor's appointment when a nurse stopped me. She exclaimed, "Wow you are so skinny! What's your secret?" My secret? Having an autoimmune disease. FML

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

by legit247 / 05/10/2013 at 12:44am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

by o___O" / 05/10/2013 at 4:11pm / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

by well okay then / 05/20/2013 at 12:02pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

by ForeverAlone / 05/20/2013 at 12:47am / United States / Love

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

by wow / 05/27/2013 at 12:17pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

by Aunjy / 05/05/2013 at 4:49pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML

by obnum / 05/24/2013 at 8:26am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

by Anonymous / 05/13/2013 at 5:17pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

by pixkalexi / 05/20/2013 at 4:14pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2013 at 11:53am / United States / Miscellaneous