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August 2016

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Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

by an unlucky man / 08/05/2016 at 5:37am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a". He hasn't talked to me since. FML

by why mom / 08/02/2016 at 7:52pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

by nevaagain / 08/19/2016 at 4:00pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

by Jay703 / 08/02/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML

by Torvaltz / 08/07/2016 at 4:31am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

by Sleeping moody / 08/08/2016 at 12:01am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

by nullpointer / 08/03/2016 at 12:38am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

by Sean / 08/14/2016 at 12:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML

Today, I learned that marriage isn't all roses and sunshine. Instead, it's digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband's ass cheek because he can't reach it himself. FML

by snazz23 / 08/05/2016 at 11:58am / United States (Texas) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

by FartMyLife / 08/11/2016 at 7:34am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I walked up to my sister's car to give her some money I owed her. She refused to open the window and take back the money. After begging her to open the window, a passer-by mistook me for a beggar and gave me some loose change. FML

by Marmarfarfar / 08/01/2016 at 1:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love