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Tuesday 13 August 2013

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Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

by ANON / 08/13/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2013 at 4:49am / Kids

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2013 at 12:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, my superior gave me a box of ethernet cables which were previously attached to mainframes storing classified data. He requested I cut them in half so that the residual data would leak out. Not only does this guy make twice my salary, there was no convincing him otherwise. We cut them up. FML

by SparkOfJade / 08/13/2013 at 12:07am / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

by really? / 08/13/2013 at 2:58am / United States / Love

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

by hairless by death / 08/13/2013 at 12:07pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2013 at 2:36am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2013 at 12:01pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

by What. / 08/13/2013 at 8:08pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Money

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

by Zanovitch / 08/13/2013 at 4:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML

by skaterboy / 08/13/2013 at 11:36am / Canada (Alberta) / Animals

Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML

by cookiemonster / 08/13/2013 at 12:10pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

by martyn28 / 08/13/2013 at 10:55am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous