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Today, while reading my girlfriends kids a story, her daughter started pouring a tiny watering can on my head. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Watering your head so your hair grows back". I'm twenty-seven. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2015 at 10:21pm / United States / Kids

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

by Not turnt / 07/27/2015 at 3:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

by I love L / 08/08/2015 at 6:56pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2015 at 7:28am / United States / Love

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

by anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 12:40am / United States (California) / Love

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2015 at 9:33pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2015 at 2:59am / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2015 at 2:40am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML

by anonymous / 09/13/2015 at 11:34am / Luxembourg / Work

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

by imeanreallytho / 09/11/2015 at 12:20pm / United States / Work

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2015 at 10:36pm / Australia / Love

Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I come into work tomorrow. FML

by wormiformed / 10/03/2015 at 12:14am / New Zealand / Work