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Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

by Forgotten One / 10/15/2009 at 7:11am / Love

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

by ThePidgeon / 10/19/2009 at 2:36pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

by Shower? / 10/19/2009 at 3:26am / Intimacy

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

by UnluckyJulie / 11/02/2009 at 1:12am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

by Oops / 11/01/2009 at 8:43pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

by Leash / 10/23/2009 at 12:22am / United States (South Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was waiting at home for a phone call. While I was in the bathroom, the phone rang. I quickly stopped my business and ran out of the bathroom with my pants by my ankles. I leaped over the couch, tripping and then stubbing my toe while hopping to the phone. It was a telemarketer. FML

by lauren_rox / 11/08/2009 at 12:50pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was playing ball with my student during recess. My first attempt at throwing the ball hit him in the head. My second attempt hit him in the crotch. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2009 at 12:09pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

by firefliiez / 11/15/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

by lonelyguy / 11/27/2009 at 10:02pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2009 at 10:59pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

by her0x3her0ine617 / 12/09/2009 at 1:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2009 at 3:29am / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy