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Today, on a flight, I needed to use the restroom. The passenger next to me was in a deep sleep, and was very large, so I couldn't get out by climbing over him. The urge got severe, so I resorted to tapping him on the shoulder. Turns out he had some nice reflexes and hit me in the face. FML

Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML

by welptimetoburntheplacedown / 08/11/2014 at 11:02am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

by SCARRED / 08/29/2014 at 4:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

by sam_666777 / 08/29/2014 at 10:54pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

by anonymous / 09/03/2014 at 9:31pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Work

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

by Meowit / 09/06/2014 at 11:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

by tbee / 09/05/2014 at 8:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

by epic174 / 10/07/2014 at 6:15pm / United States / Holidays

Today, it's my mom's birthday. Got the perfect gift, the perfect card and of course the perfect cake. Well, it was the perfect cake until my dog's ass crushed it. FML

by Justified12 / 10/13/2014 at 10:15am / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML

by killme / 11/11/2014 at 12:43pm / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2014 at 10:54am / United Kingdom (Bath and North East Somerset) / Money

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

by AnonymousAmber / 10/31/2014 at 7:10pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

by tine / 11/16/2014 at 4:44am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love