Choose the period

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, someone took my flatscreen TV at my garage sale because some kid snuck a "free" label onto it. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2013 at 12:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I resigned from my job in favor of a higher-paying one. After I filled out and filed the necessary papers, my boss told me that I had been nominated to replace him when he retired in a month. His job pays at least twice what I'm now making. Thanks for telling me, asshat. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2013 at 11:18pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

by ugh / 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

by anonymous / 09/16/2013 at 1:35am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, a co-worker described, in vivid detail in the middle of the office, how he dribbles after peeing, and often has a burning sensation. FML

by out_of_my_head / 09/19/2013 at 5:55am / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

by what / 09/25/2013 at 10:42am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2013 at 9:43am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2013 at 3:07pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

by lbg2msf / 11/06/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (Mississippi) / Animals

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

by TheMommas / 11/06/2013 at 11:33am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

by Where is the faith in Humanity / 11/07/2013 at 6:08pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to make what I thought was a pretzel recipe. I ended up eating cooked, egg-coated play dough. Literally, homemade Play-Doh. FML

by thecodecat / 11/15/2013 at 7:13am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML

by Sophies / 12/25/2013 at 7:45pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Money