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Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML

Today, at a bar, I overheard two attractive men speaking in French. I went over and tried to introduce myself with what little French I know. They looked at me like I was crazy and then said in English, "What are you doing?" Turns out they weren't speaking French. FML

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

by facepalm / 11/18/2015 at 10:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

by ashamed / 11/25/2015 at 10:50am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I found out my husband pretends to be a young, bisexual woman online. As if that isn't bad enough, he flipped out and didn't believe me when I told him the other "young, bisexual women" he's been beating it to are probably middle-aged men too. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2015 at 11:46am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2015 at 12:11pm / Germany / Health

Today, I threw a punch at my sensei like he told me to, except he failed to block it like he assured me he would. Now I'm banned from his classes and I'm pretty sure he's going to get the police involved. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2015 at 10:48am / India (Maharashtra) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got together a surprise party for my mom's birthday. I invited all her friends and her douchebag boyfriend who I don't get along with. When my mom got home, he took credit and got her friends to back him up with bribing. My mom said I'm selfish and horrible for not trying for her. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2015 at 7:00pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2016 at 10:14am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2016 at 12:43pm / Austria / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2016 at 10:27am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2016 at 10:54am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

by thatcreepyteacher / 02/16/2016 at 11:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous