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Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2014 at 10:54am / United Kingdom (Bath and North East Somerset) / Money

Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML

by no / 11/16/2014 at 9:26pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

by blindsparrow / 11/18/2014 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

by Veronica / 11/21/2014 at 3:07pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

by unlucky / 12/11/2014 at 8:26am / Hong Kong / Work

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2015 at 3:24pm / United States (Louisiana) / Animals

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

by fartje / 01/25/2015 at 1:21pm / Netherlands / Work

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

by Dartfrogger / 02/12/2015 at 2:16pm / United States (Utah) / Health

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2015 at 11:50am / Romania (Bucuresti) / Miscellaneous

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

by jimmy_poison / 02/08/2015 at 7:19pm / New Zealand (Waikato) / Love

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2015 at 8:46pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, at an important statewide band performance, my mom stayed in her seat, silent, while everyone else gave a standing ovation. FML

by jesterinperil / 03/07/2015 at 2:05pm / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

by ouch / 04/06/2015 at 9:51pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous