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Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

by skid / 06/02/2015 at 10:59am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2015 at 5:08am / Maldives (Maale) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML

by Frustrated / 05/25/2015 at 1:42pm / United States / Work

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2015 at 9:51am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, after not being able to sleep for two hours because my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking, he fell asleep and I was left wide awake. I listened to him snore for another three hours and only got a couple of hours sleep. He's not working today, but I am. FML

by sleepingonmydesk / 06/29/2015 at 5:28am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Love

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

by Anon / 05/24/2015 at 9:14pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking behind my mother when she was mowing the lawn. She unknowingly mowed over a wasps' nest that was in the grass. Guess who the wasps decided to seek revenge on. FML

by WCARlover / 06/19/2015 at 11:43pm / United States (Maine) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

by Sleepy / 05/31/2015 at 11:51am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Miscellaneous

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2015 at 1:08am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2015 at 10:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

by its still broken / 06/10/2015 at 8:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I slept through my alarm and decided to call in sick. After falling back asleep, I woke up to my younger brother robbing my kitchen. It seems he's been doing this for weeks, every time I leave for work. He won't even give it all back. FML

by queenbee / 06/14/2015 at 9:31am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

by pantsareathing / 06/13/2015 at 1:10pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous