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Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2012 at 10:23am / Canada / Health

Today, after a great first date, he leaned in to kiss me. I held my breath slightly. This resulted in me breathing out through my nose, blowing a huge snot bubble, which then burst on his face. He looked at me in horror and walked away. FML

by stoych / 10/08/2012 at 3:14am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

by FlyingFist / 12/03/2012 at 7:38pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

by Nice Guy / 10/29/2012 at 3:55am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

by KennyDidIt / 12/09/2012 at 8:18am / United States (Alabama) / Animals

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2012 at 1:55pm / Europe / Miscellaneous

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

by heya / 12/24/2012 at 5:09am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

by living_thedream / 01/14/2013 at 1:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, due to technical problems, I had to call the company's IT-support as my computer went totally haywire. I explained via phone that I couldn't access anything. The support then tried contacting me by e-mail and got upset with me when I didn't answer. FML

by Beva / 01/17/2013 at 12:03am / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Work

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

by What? / 01/22/2013 at 2:00pm / Australia / Animals

Today, I realized just how bad I am in bed when my girlfriend literally yawned the words, "Oh God" while attempting to fake an orgasm. FML

by pornhastaughtmenothing / 02/21/2013 at 3:46am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML

by evilsandwich / 03/06/2013 at 12:18pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

by lanz4949 / 03/19/2013 at 12:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Love