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Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

by conbon123 / 04/29/2013 at 3:20am / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2013 at 7:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

by kprince / 05/08/2013 at 10:00am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I lost my patience and asked the deadbeat I loaned money to last year to please pay up. His response: "Blow me." No thanks, dad. FML

by Anonymous / 05/13/2013 at 5:17pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I had to go with my mom to the gynecologist to translate due to her broken English. As we were filling out papers and answering questions, the doctor asked some very personal questions. I now know everything about my mom's sex life. FML

by knowtoomuch / 05/21/2013 at 8:10pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

by pregnant loser apparently / 05/20/2013 at 12:31am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I waxed my upper lip hair. My boyfriend later told me that he missed my mustache rubbing onto his. FML

by mustache girl / 05/27/2013 at 7:10pm / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

by seriously / 05/24/2013 at 3:04am / United States / Animals

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2013 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Thurrock) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2013 at 4:55pm / France (Aquitaine) / Love

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

by ohmygod / 06/20/2013 at 1:49am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pretending to talk on the phone with my wife just to avoid to speak with my boring coworker. After two awkward minutes of him waiting in front of my desk and me inventing a call, he handed me the disconnected phone cable and left. FML

by LaLince / 06/28/2013 at 4:17am / Switzerland (Aargau) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 4:47am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love