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Today, my parents decided to "discipline" my kitten by spraying her with water. This somehow managed to completely un-train her, and now she's back to being the compulsive biter she was when I first brought her home. FML

by scars / 12/16/2014 at 10:01am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

by j4 / 12/19/2014 at 6:27pm / United Kingdom / Money

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

by Santa / 12/24/2014 at 10:01pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I went on a first date, only for us to find the restaurant wasn't open on New Year's Day. My date suggested going to the mall instead. We drove in our own cars. Me: the mall, him: home. I waited for 40 minutes before realising he'd stood me up. Happy New Year to me. FML

Today, after finishing my second glass of wine, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the tag on my hair dryer from last year's rehab visit. FML

by mosaicevolution / 01/02/2015 at 11:04pm / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

by pitytitty / 01/09/2015 at 4:11am / United States (California) / Love

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2015 at 8:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I went to work with a great attitude, something that doesn't happen often. It was shortly ruined after some lady yelled at me because I accidentally shorted her one penny. Yep. One single penny. FML

by WhyMe / 01/25/2015 at 8:41pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2015 at 11:05am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I am too good to be promoted. FML

by hard work doesn't work / 03/13/2015 at 2:21am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

by actually just constipated.. and stupid / 03/04/2015 at 10:03am / Tunisia / Health

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

by MCForty / 02/27/2015 at 10:29am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

by Anonymous / 02/27/2015 at 2:37pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy