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Today, I learned I made the dean's honor list for my college for the first time since attending. I asked my dad if he was proud of me, to which he replied, "when you're as successful as your brother, I'll be proud." My brother is a Chippendale's dancer. FML

by GracelandDave / 03/19/2009 at 3:10am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2009 at 4:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

by Spawn_of_Satan / 03/27/2009 at 11:18am / Hong Kong / Miscellaneous

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

by indi1011 / 04/20/2009 at 8:21am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

by maddie94 / 04/27/2009 at 5:14am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says "Actually, we haven't started yet... that's just my skin." FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2009 at 4:40am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I parked my car in a garage that cost $13 for every 10 minutes past 10 o'clock. When I came back to the garage at 10, I had forgotten where I parked it and spent an hour looking for it. I paid $78 to lose my car. FML

by lostcar / 05/26/2009 at 1:39am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

by / 01/03/2009 at 11:48am / Intimacy

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

by thermos / 02/03/2009 at 6:47pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

by pineapple456 / 02/16/2009 at 4:09pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

by broussimousse / 03/10/2009 at 4:42pm / United Kingdom (London) / Animals

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

by Janet / 03/10/2009 at 9:02am / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

by Anonymous / 04/12/2009 at 10:39pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids