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Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

by argh / 03/20/2012 at 4:16am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

by cheesfactor / 05/19/2012 at 3:50pm / Bulgaria (Ruse) / Miscellaneous

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

by Notasinner / 05/24/2012 at 6:39pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

by Rose / 06/15/2012 at 1:54am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

by furious at five in the morning / 07/02/2012 at 8:36am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

by MsConfusedd / 09/01/2012 at 12:30am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

by HazzaBoo / 08/07/2012 at 7:45pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2012 at 12:24am / United States (New Mexico) / Love

Today, I left the hospital after having knee surgery. While trying to find my balance on my crutches, I was holding onto the roof of the car. My mum slammed the car door shut, not noticing my hand. I can barely even bend my fingers to hold onto my crutches. FML

by badluckbrianna / 10/07/2012 at 1:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

by coolguy / 11/06/2012 at 12:15am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

by Ohwhy / 10/27/2012 at 7:53am / United Kingdom (Liverpool) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2012 at 12:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML

by IcantDance! / 10/01/2012 at 12:05pm / United States (Alabama) / Love