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Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

by kittykat / 08/08/2009 at 2:02pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

by maidmyday / 08/12/2009 at 10:25am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

by crazychick / 08/19/2009 at 12:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

by Pop_Pies / 09/03/2009 at 9:27am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

by clingmaster / 09/09/2009 at 4:57am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I had to cover for my coworker who didn't turn up for work. He is always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again so I said to my colleagues "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

by mcdeez / 09/21/2009 at 10:06pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

by Lulu / 09/16/2009 at 10:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

by GodDaughter / 09/19/2009 at 8:08pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a phone call for a interview at Target at 4:30 pm. I got super excited, so I got dressed up and headed over there. I tell the manager that I am there for my interview. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. My friends had prank called me. FML

by Pho_Rheal / 09/24/2009 at 8:11pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I walked into my brother's house to see him unshaven and still in pyjamas eating ice-cream straight from the tub. I said jokingly, "You're lucky you have your wife, no one else could love you." His wife had just told him she was leaving him for her orthodontist. FML

by FootInMouth / 10/01/2009 at 9:19am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2009 at 11:22pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2009 at 8:54pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2009 at 12:23pm / United States (Maine) / Work