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Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML

by retromermaid / 09/09/2014 at 8:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2014 at 4:47pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, a new fire alarm system is being installed in my building. Not only does the alarm go off incessantly, but the elevators stop running when it happens. I live on the 12th floor. FML

Today, in the men's room a guy using the adjacent toilet dropped his phone, and it fell right next to my foot. The screen was facing upward, and looked like he was taking pictures of his junk in the office toilet. FML

by Vkaz / 10/02/2014 at 2:20pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML

by Anonymous / 10/05/2014 at 1:29pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

by eh / 10/06/2014 at 3:12pm / Azerbaijan (Baki) / Miscellaneous

Today, I dressed up in my nicest clothes and spent ages putting makeup on before going to a nightclub, hoping to meet someone nice. The only person who acknowledged me was a guy who yelled, "Hey, wanna fuck?! Not like anyone else would ever touch you, am I right?!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2014 at 11:06am / Mexico (Nuevo Leon) / Love

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2014 at 9:23pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2014 at 4:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

by peanutprobs / 10/31/2014 at 5:12pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Health

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2014 at 1:56pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

by stupid / 11/24/2014 at 2:21pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Michigan) / Love