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Sunday 1 May 2016

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Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

by Stalked / 04/29/2016 at 4:49am / Czech Republic (Jihomoravsky kraj) / Love

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

by sleepylillion / 04/25/2016 at 1:07am / United States (Hawaii) / Love

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

by AcademicAdvisor / 04/25/2016 at 4:14pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I'm a waitress. A customer came in and acted very kindly and even mentioned how I was such a help to her. She also mentioned leaving a nice tip. The tip? A fake $20. Thanks. FML

by tired waitress / 04/25/2016 at 7:05pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2016 at 4:00am / Spain / Health

Today, I discovered a purple BMX bike abandoned in my front yard. I wondered why it was there, until I looked over to discover that my own bike had be stolen. I guess they liked mine better. FML

by Jjay08 / 04/26/2016 at 5:17pm / United States (Montana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

by Sick As Hell / 04/27/2016 at 3:22am / United States (Iowa) / Health

Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew upwards and got hit by the rotating fan. It then immediately decided to take it's revenge by stinging me. FML

by Sting / 04/26/2016 at 4:49pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

by Drew / 04/25/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

by TooQuick / 04/27/2016 at 8:19am / Mozambique (Maputo) / Work

Today, my anxiety has gotten so bad that I start to panic every time someone even approaches me. I'm a cashier, and I'm only halfway through my shift. FML

by PhantomKitty / 04/29/2016 at 11:20am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2016 at 7:22pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous