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Friday 29 July 2016

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Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

by for my brother in law / 07/27/2016 at 3:10am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

by Kiss-a-thon / 07/27/2016 at 6:01am / Germany / Love

Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML

by Anonymous / 07/25/2016 at 5:28pm / United States (Washington) / Geek

Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML

by jailey / 07/25/2016 at 10:26pm / Miscellaneous

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

by Sarah-D / 07/29/2016 at 1:31am / Transportation

Today, I was washing my car, I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

by spaaaarta / 07/25/2016 at 4:17pm / Transportation

Today, I ran into an old couple everyone has been avoiding in my small town. Four weeks ago, they accidentally posted a picture of their pierced junk on Facebook, and I was one of the unlucky people who saw the actual picture. I can't make eye contact with them anymore. FML

by ReayHorse / 07/28/2016 at 12:02pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML

by mrsimintrouble / 07/29/2016 at 2:01am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

by sweet / 07/27/2016 at 10:50pm / Transportation

Today, I learned that lightning and flash flooding are the best motivatiors. I learned this while on a run and 2 miles away from school. FML

Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML

by Ya_I_said_it / 07/26/2016 at 11:31am / Miscellaneous

Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML

by InsanityShard / 07/25/2016 at 11:26pm / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

by JustShutUp / 07/27/2016 at 2:40pm / Miscellaneous