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Wednesday 12 February 2014

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Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 10:47am / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

by Stuck / 02/12/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

by not even getting any of her shrimp / 02/11/2014 at 4:50pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 8:31pm / United States / Love

Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML

by molliciousj / 02/19/2014 at 12:09am / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2014 at 5:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey on my breast. To be fair I decided to give him a hickey on his chest. He was so worried about catching shit from the guys on his swim team that he dislocated my jaw trying to get me off him. FML

by aireeahna / 02/12/2014 at 2:43pm / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out the real reason my boyfriend kept starting fights with me, and why my best friend kept telling me to break up with him. It was so they could turn their affair into a proper relationship, then twist it around to make me look like a bitch for dumping him. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2014 at 4:25pm / Australia / Love

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2014 at 11:31am / United States / Kids

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2014 at 2:49pm / Virgin Islands, U.S. / Intimacy

Today, my brother and I took our cars to get oil changes. While we were there, a guy asked if we were dating. When we told him we were siblings, he responded with, "So?" FML

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2014 at 12:26pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, a customer asked me to unlock the restroom for them. I honestly couldn't figure out which gender they were, but I didn't want to be rude and ask, so I took a chance. I unlocked the wrong one. FML

by elizabethkalyn / 02/10/2014 at 3:48pm / United States (Indiana) / Work