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Friday 17 January 2014

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Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

by Subliminal message / 01/19/2014 at 6:21pm / Switzerland / Intimacy

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 10:11am / United States / Love

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

by SirDirtyRedD / 01/24/2014 at 8:03pm / Iceland (Gullbringusysla) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a girl I've never met before came up to me and punched me in the face, because she wanted to get suspended. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2014 at 11:30am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2014 at 11:15am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Health

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

by rholt / 01/14/2014 at 1:48am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2014 at 7:55pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Love

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2014 at 2:34am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2014 at 1:38pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

by FattestUgliestPerson / 01/18/2014 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Kids

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

by Pop / 01/14/2014 at 9:38pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

by dylanhollis / 01/17/2014 at 7:49am / United States (Texas) / Love