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Friday 17 January 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

#21037484
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41061) - you deserved it (22534)

On 01/23/2014 at 7:10pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Alabama)

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

#21031501
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48013) - you deserved it (7069)

On 01/18/2014 at 4:45am - kids - by FattestUgliestPerson (woman) - United Kingdom (Manchester)

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

#21033101
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50849) - you deserved it (7914)

On 01/19/2014 at 6:21pm - intimacy - by Subliminal message (woman) - Switzerland

Today, a girl I've never met before came up to me and punched me in the face, because she wanted to get suspended. FML

#21036028
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48930) - you deserved it (3853)

On 01/22/2014 at 11:30am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

#21038079
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43664) - you deserved it (4876)

On 01/24/2014 at 10:11am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

#21027337
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46954) - you deserved it (7327)

On 01/14/2014 at 1:48am - misc - by rholt (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

#21030844
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40164) - you deserved it (4949)

On 01/17/2014 at 1:38pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

#21035414
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44009) - you deserved it (5867)

On 01/21/2014 at 7:55pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Glasgow City)

Today, my mom took a picture of me. All she could say about the picture was, "At least your sister is pretty." 5ML

#21038006
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40570) - you deserved it (3684)

On 01/24/2014 at 7:36am - love - by MH - Norway (Rogaland)

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

#21028123
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46347) - you deserved it (4510)

On 01/14/2014 at 9:38pm - misc - by Pop - United States (New York)

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

#21026318
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21872) - you deserved it (48750)

On 01/13/2014 at 2:34am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

#21038727
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48292) - you deserved it (5350)

On 01/24/2014 at 8:29pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)



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