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Friday 17 January 2014

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Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

by Goodyear / 01/19/2014 at 10:59pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

by MM / 01/21/2014 at 6:26pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 12:15am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I hacked into my best friend's Facebook account to message my mother about organizing a surprise party for myself for my 21st. She ignored the message for two days before replying, "I don't think so. No one would really show up and I think that would hurt her feelings." FML

by nolovefor21 / 01/16/2014 at 6:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

by IMSERIOUS / 01/22/2014 at 2:23pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2014 at 3:35pm / United States (Louisiana) / Health

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

by sickmom / 01/21/2014 at 6:07am / United States (Louisiana) / Kids

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 6:34pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." 5ML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2014 at 3:24pm / Intimacy

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

by sausages / 01/17/2014 at 3:56pm / Macedonia (Karpos) / Health

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

by cuntocracy / 01/21/2014 at 5:27pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2014 at 1:30pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

by DisturbedMan / 01/15/2014 at 5:29pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy