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Friday 10 January 2014

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Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2014 at 12:59pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2014 at 4:24pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2014 at 1:30pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2014 at 2:02pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

by DisturbedMan / 01/15/2014 at 5:29pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, I took a nap in my car right after finishing up at work. I was woken up by a hobo sitting in the passenger seat, watching me sleep. Apparently, he'd managed to unlock the door with a wire hanger. FML

by ShelterForTheHomless / 01/13/2014 at 10:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy I like asked me to a dance. Trying to act modest and at the same time compliment him, I told him, "You could do so much better, though." After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You're right, I could. Never mind," and walked away. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2014 at 7:39pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2014 at 1:38am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

by chiktikka / 01/14/2014 at 5:06pm / United Kingdom / Money

Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2014 at 1:52pm / Dominican Republic (Distrito Nacional) / Animals

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

by Seriously? / 01/06/2014 at 2:17am / Intimacy

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

by chapstick / 01/08/2014 at 10:23pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

by ReallyMom / 01/09/2014 at 4:48pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy