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Friday 1 November 2013

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Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

by roughsexgonewrong / 11/05/2013 at 1:01pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

by probablydodgedabullet / 11/08/2013 at 6:30am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

by Wraith / 11/06/2013 at 12:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2013 at 6:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2013 at 7:39pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

by I am not amused! / 11/03/2013 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Love

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

by TheMommas / 11/06/2013 at 11:33am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

by lbg2msf / 11/06/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (Mississippi) / Animals

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

by Where is the faith in Humanity / 11/07/2013 at 6:08pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2013 at 8:46pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

by choke on a dick, sir / 11/01/2013 at 6:47pm / United States (Maine) / Work

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

by xomelodygervais / 11/08/2013 at 9:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I broke my tooth nearly in half. On a completely unrelated note, the Jew's Harp is my new least-favorite instrument. FML

by Blaphlafagus / 10/31/2013 at 9:16pm / United States (Texas) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.