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Monday 28 October 2013

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Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

by Greg / 10/28/2013 at 5:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2013 at 6:40am / Australia / Love

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

by Argh / 11/03/2013 at 3:18pm / France (Poitou-Charentes) / Miscellaneous

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2013 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

by Nish / 10/29/2013 at 8:41pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

by meow / 10/30/2013 at 3:03am / United States / Animals

Today, for the tenth time, my teacher made a misbehaving student sit next to me as punishment. He begged for detention instead. FML

by WinkleBottom / 11/04/2013 at 5:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, during dinner, my mom told my dad and me in great detail about the "awesome" new cosmetic surgery idea she just had: constructing earlobes for lobeless ears, using skin taken from women's labia. I was forced to sit through this until I finished my plate. FML

by Champignon / 11/01/2013 at 10:17am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Intimacy

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

by nl4 / 11/01/2013 at 7:55pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Health

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

by UnfortunatelyAmusing / 11/04/2013 at 7:25pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

by katchoo / 11/03/2013 at 2:34am / Denmark / Animals

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

by Asshole hornet / 10/28/2013 at 4:18pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2013 at 9:11pm / United States (Washington) / Love